inevitable

so today I pulled out of the big bang. It's not solely because of the issues that I posted under the filter yesterday, though I'm sure on some level that plays into it.

Yesterday I was working on the story. I didn't really feel like it. I started on this scene and I was having all sorts of difficulty getting into it. Then I read over another scene that I wrote a couple weeks ago. I thought at the time it was ok, and wouldn't need that many revisions. In truth, it's a mess. I wasn't happy with it at all. I started thinking of all the things I wanted to add and what I would need to change, not just in that scene, but in the entirety of the piece. Then I look at the calendar and I see I have 3.5 weeks to do it. There's just not freaking way. Not with a full time job/kids and the like. So I pulled out.

I'm not as disappointed with myself as I thought I would be. I really think that maybe I just don't work so well under deadlines like that. My creative energy waxes and wanes with no rhyme or reason it seems. One day I could sit down and write 5000 words. The next I can't even force myself to do anything.

2 reasons I wanted to do the big bang was because I wanted a deadline to help me focus, and that didn't work out. The other was so that I would be forced to publically post my story, which is a paralyzing fear I have. I will still do the second bit. I'll still post the story here when it's done. I may start posting it as bits and pieces. This way I'll be accountable for something. And you guys can enjoy it. lol. or laugh at it. however you respond is ok. I'll sit back and try not to puke from the nerves.

I'm not sure when I'll start posting it. I want to feel like I have the majority of it ready before I begin to share it.